The smack Bizarro author Jordan Rubin talked en route to 4th place

Through fantasy football’s championship weekend, we pour over the season’s entrails

Only on philosophical grounds is it arguable that MSNBC legal analyst and author Jordan Rubin is playing for our fantasy league’s highest stakes this Sunday morning.

Maybe this greater battle is why he sold such a massive wolf ticket throughout our matchup last week. Nevertheless, it’s me and Lev “Everyday Sunshine” Anderson duking it out for the inaugural Coastal Elite League title. The Bizarro author will have to settle for defending the name of Jah in the face of overwhelming evidence.

This conversation has been lightly edited for clarity and brevity. The podcast version is available here. God Is Dead‘s publicity-shy manager was expected on the call, but they were a no-show.

In this NFL season that’s been marked by parity and some of the most incompetent quarterback play that I’ve ever witnessed, hanging on to greatness was exceptionally difficult. Two of the three players on this CEL Zoom call sustained that. The runners-up will have to settle for the mythical Friedrich Nietzsche Prize.

For me, it's tough to remember because it's an unusual fantasy year overall. I'm in three leagues, which is not normal… there's three opportunities I have to lose every week. If I win all of them, that's a relief. If I win two of them, I lost one of them. If I lost all three? My colleagues at work are going to have a bad day on Monday or Tuesday. 

Donnell Alexander: Welcome to the Substack podcast we call West Coast Sojourn. Our guests today are the playoff competitors of my Coastal Elite League. There's a belief that fantasy football can't be interesting to anyone who's not competing, but today we're going to show you that it can be, because these are some funny dudes. They always make me laugh in texts.

Jordan Rubin is a legal analyst. I didn't know this. I feel somehow better losing to a prosecutor, but I'm not going to lose this week.  And we have filmmaker Lev Anderson. I call him filmmaker, but the art of his I've most recently enjoyed is as a DJ in Portland. Still spinning?

LA: Just once a month.

DA: Yeah. So we'll come back to that. But Lev’s an artist and he's put up a lot of competition. I have really specific questions for both you and Jordan. It's that big weekend, the semi-final round of our league, and tensions are high. My first question: You put up the most points, but never led, based on record. How annoying is that?  

JR: It's not going to be annoying when I'm sitting on top at the end.

DA: Ooh…

JR: Thought I’d up the smack talk in light of your complaint. It wasn't really natural, but I thought I'd throw it in there. 

DA: That's a pretty good one. We'll take whatever to get it going. Lev, what do you think? Do you care? 

LA: I, I always feel like I have like the worst luck. Like, in other leagues, in other seasons, I'll score the most points, but then I'll also have the most points scored against me. And then, people have their best games of the year against my team? So I find that happens.

And I'm also like one of those people that's kind of bad sometimes about making sure my lineup’s changed.  I think I've lost at least one game this year because I didn't have Lamar Jackson starting. 

DA: Whoa. How do you do that?

LA: Yeah. 

DA: Do you have on your roster that person who's most guaranteed to leave you points on the bench, because you didn't start them? I'm not talking about like forgetting to start Lamar Jackson, but yeah, my guy is the wide receiver from Seattle, you know, um, What's his name? The big dude?

LA: Metcalf

DA: Metcalf. He's so erratic. I don't know when to start him. And then when I benched him, he puts up 36. You don't have a guy like that?

LA: My receivers suck. So, I don't know. 

JR: No fat on the starting lineup.  

DA: Listen, Jordan, you're still so confident. Did you come into the season with a drafting strategy or were you just going for the best available athlete?  

JR: As you recall, my strategy was to not even show up because I was in the midst of a pre-planned vacation before this league was even a twinkle in my eye, and being unable to wrest myself from that vacation, I left it to the gods of auto draft to send my league around. 

DA: Auto draft is great. It's better than drafting.

JR: I'm okay with it. It's probably not the team I would have drafted. I like to think I put my own little touches on it as the season has gone on, but I got Josh Allen, Tyreek Hill, not complaining. 

DA: Who has the best name in the Coastal Elite League? 

LA: I'm pulling up the list now. 

DA: It's a great group. We've got a comedian, we've got the editor of WeedWeek, Dominic Corba runs the Cannabis Studies program at Cal Poly Humboldt, and he, he really was on board to be in this podcast, but it was winners only, and he's a sixth place finisher. But please go on. Where were you? I'm rambling.  

LA: Oh, well. In terms of best names, I was saying God is Dead is a pretty bold one. I know that he's yet to join us. So I hope he hasn't been struck down for his last one  and that's keeping him.  

DA: I don't know what his deal is. He was kind of reluctant to come on anyway. I'm not sure why he's so shy about his identity, but that's a great name.

LA: He's shy about facing me this weekend and knowing that he's been in first place all year and he's about to drop out. 

DA: You know what's funny? All the hubris you guys have shown is going to be on display and especially you, Jordan Rubin, as after I humble you, you're going to look crazy. I'm just telling you.  

JR: This is all for the fans. This is, uh, you know, WWF, KFOG.  And if we're talking about team names, though, I don't know if this is a family program or to what extent it is, but I think we'd be remiss without shouting out Chicken Wingz & Titties.

DA: I always shout-out Chicken Wingz & Titties. With a name like that, I wanted them to be better, you know?  Do you have a signature loss, like the one that was just a burr in your week? 

JR: For me, it's tough to remember because it's an unusual fantasy year overall. I'm in three leagues, which is not normal. I'm usually in either one or none. I haven't even played every year regularly. So I've been taking sort of a holistic approach. I'll sort of do everything at once for all of the teams.

I'm only still in the playoffs in two of the three leagues. I lost in the quarterfinals of one. I actually really do not like being in three leagues. I'm curious to hear what you guys feel about this, but look: Winning is good. Winning though is mandatory. It's more of a relief if anything, when I win, but losing? There's nothing worse than that.

So to me, there's three opportunities I have to lose every week. [Laughter] If I win all of them, that's a relief. If I win two of them, I lost one of them. If I lost all three? My colleagues at work are going to have a bad day on Monday or Tuesday. I don't know if that's specific native to fantasy football, that feeling.

DA: [Losing] does burn more than the wins make you feel okay. Wins feel like survival. What about you Lev?  

LA: Yeah, I feel like I'm just surviving week to week. I'm always kind of surprised when I win, because I just always come into everything very pessimistic, like, Oh, you know, they're going to have an off-game. You know, like, the Bills are playing the Cowboys. Their defense is going to get shredded. It's always a pleasant surprise when I actually win. I don't let it bother me too much.

The funny thing is that I don't always get invited to leagues. I don't know what it is about me. I'll be in a league and I won't get invited the next year. I don't know what that is. I pay my money. I try. You know I'm not an absentee owner. I'm wheeling and dealing as much as I can.  So, I don't feel the continuity. I've missed seasons here and there because I don't get invited. So, to me everything's kind of a victory, but I do get a little annoyed when I do lose, because once I'm in, I'm in. 

DA: Well, you're in for next year. I gotta say it's hard for me to know who would want to be in a fantasy league because we're not kids. Everyone we know is pretty much committed, if they're into the game. And then, you know, like the comedian Ngaio Bealum, I just threw it out on a whim and he was totally interested in doing it.  Alex Halperin from WeedWeek, I threw it out there because he was curious. What's the name of his team? Long Beach Long Odds. They've been a disaster, you know. But yeah, it's hard to know who will actually play in a fantasy league. 

LA: Is there a fantasy league player profile, you know, because I find too that they're not always the football fans necessarily. I don't know if it's like a gambling thing.

DA: I know you and I didn't think you would actually join a league.  I think you can kind of profile people. Yeah, and you don't profile as a fantasy football player. Sorry.  

LA: That's why I never get invited, just to answer that mystery.

JR: I think that's a compliment because if there's one characteristic, maybe overlapping with the gambling part, it's degenerate. [Laughter] Think of anyone you know who you would apply that label to. Eleven out of 10 times they're going to be in a fantasy league.  

DA: Well said. Do you have a biggest pickup of the year, like a pickup that helped you get to the next level or keep from losing—as negativity seems to be the suggested impulse? 

JR: That will be known by the time this podcast comes out. I probably made the most moves ahead of this week. Some of them—

DA: What!

JR: Yeah. So, I've been rolling with the Dallas defense, for example. Ahead of this week, I picked up KC. Thank you. Dallas is playing Miami. So I think we're going to see for one thing, if Tyreek Hill plays. If he doesn't, I'm going to consider going with Dallas. That will militate more in favor of keeping KC. I'm a huge defense guy. People ignore defense, defense and kickers. I think that's where a lot of the games are won and lost. And I think defenses and even kickers too, are drafted too late.

I think a lot of the common wisdom in drafts is wrong. If you have a good quarterback, you go for them early. Look at where all the biggest points are coming from. Obviously put aside McCaffrey, Hill and those guys, but if you have a top quarterback, as [Donnell does] in Jalen Hurts.

DA: I rode him.

JR: And that's what will ride you this week, if you do miraculously prevail.

Growing up in Portland, I hated the Seattle Seahawks, because at the time they played in the AFC and they would just always show the Seahawks games and no one wanted to see Dave Krieg.  And the best time would be like when they played Bo Jackson and the Raiders or something like that.

DA: Uh, okay.  Do you have a perspective on that, Lev? That was a great take. 

LA: I don't have a great take on it. For me, it's just been kind of luck. I feel like I haven't had a tight end all season. I started with Freiermuth from Pittsburgh, and then he got injured right away, it's just been like a rotating nightmare since then. I picked up Darren Waller, but then he was hurt. Johnny Smith from Atlanta, who's terrible.  But I still have them on my team for some reason.

I agree. A quarterback kind of carries you, like if you don't have a good quarterback or if they're having a down year, you're kind of dead. 

DA: I kind of hinged my whole strategy on Travis Kelce, who's had a really disappointing season.  Do you have a biggest disappointment? Someone you thought was going to be key to your team who just didn't show up?  

JR: Well, I do have Saquon Barkley and I am a Giants fan, which I think being a Giants fan actually, it makes it harder or different to be a fantasy fan. The years where I haven't played, I've been able to just be a fan and kind of enjoy that, but the two are definitely in tension for me. I'm curious to hear about your respective fandoms and how that relates to your fantasy teams. But I think what I'm conveying more is just Giants disappointment and then fantasy disappointment.

What I'm trying to say is the two inevitably overlap when you're playing in the same season. 

DA: My, my son's a Giants fan. He was born in Brooklyn, so he holds onto that. And I just feel for him. I mean, I don't know how it is for an adult man, but for a kid who really is looking forward to the season, and then you find out in the opener’s first half that you're screwed. It's just sad. It's just taints your whole season.

I'm very sad that I let him become a Giants fan. It happened when they won those Super Bowls and I thought I was being a good dad. I believe that rooting for shitty teams impacts your whole worldview, your sense of self. I just wouldn't sentence anyone to being a Giants fan. 

JR: Look, let me be clear. I'm still riding high over the Super Bowl wins that we've had, and even those were improbable. And to answer the question of what it's like as an adult man, that same feeling, it's the same, but it's more pathetic because you're an adult, but you still have it. 

DA: Exactly. Lev, who do you root for? 

LA: I'm kind of a 49er fan. I was Joe Montana, Jerry Rice. Growing up in Portland, I hated the Seattle Seahawks, because at the time they played in the AFC and they would just always show the Seahawks games and no one wanted to see Dave Krieg.  [Laughter] And the best time would be like when they played Bo Jackson and the Raiders or something like that.

My dad spent time in the Bay Area. I lived in San Francisco for a while. So I'm a Niner fan, but I'm not that hardcore about it because I kind of like the Raiders too. And I kind of even like the Seahawks now. Ever since I got Pete Carroll, they, they've been more fun to watch.

No 49er fans like the Raiders or the Seahawks, so I don't know. I'm, I'm pretty hardcore Niners, but, and I get upset if they lose, but I root for other teams, too.  

DA: I'm a Browns fan at the core, but I don't root for them that heavily. When they get good, they come back into my world. I was very much a guy who, uh, grew up living and dying with the Cleveland Browns, but when they moved into Baltimore back in 96, I wept and I sort of said, I can't be in this deep anymore. And so I keep a real distance. When they're good, I'm up for it. But DeSean Jackson made it really, really hard to root for the Browns. I can root for Joe Flacco [laughs] before I can root for DeSean Jackson, you know?

I wanted to ask you if you were touched at all by the Taylor Swift thing in any way. It’s probably not in your fantasy leagues, but did it impact you? I felt like I was impacted because I had Travis Kelce and he would clearly go up and down with her appearances at Chiefs games.

JR: Well, I'm hoping it affects me as a fantasy player this week. [Laughter]

DA: But have you, have you noticed that? I mean, were you aware that Kelce is underachieving? 

JR: He hasn't been as good as he can be every week. He's not been the elite… Tyreek Hill, say, that you need every week. As a fan though, it’s fun. I mean, it's kind of funny watching the games, the announcers kind of know that it's in the background, the sports casters, I should say, and you can sort of hear in the silence, whenever they're not talking about it, that they're like, there's this thing here. And do we talk about it? Cause it's not really part of the game, but it actually is because it's this life force that's as big, if not bigger than the game . Silences have been fun to listen to from the otherwise more solely sports focused. 

DA: I was in Arcata, uh, with Dominic from, what's the name of Dominic's team? I can't remember. [The Weed Professors] Anyway, we were talking about how there will never be a cutaway from the Chief's game at the end—during garbage time—ever again. For the rest of Kelce's career you're not going to another game. There may be a better game, substantively, but there are so many female fans who are hanging around waiting for that shot of Taylor Swift, in the booth. And so you're going to see some shitty ends of Chiefs games, as long as that motherfucker is in the league.

Um, I asked for your biggest disappointment. This is the real question: Who's winning this week, this league and why?

And that's, let's start with Lev. Cause we know where Jordan stands. Lev, who's winning this league. 

LA: I never win, so it's not me. I got to say God Is Dead. They've just consistently killed it.

And who, who does he have on his team? He's got Mahomes, right. Debo Samuel.  You know, those two people right there. And it's funny, he's got Kittle too. Usually you don't want to have like offensive players from the same team, but you know that 49er team. It's just kind of crazy loaded.

DA: It's the (Space Jam) Monstars.  Is there a trick to winning a league? Because everything gets so hectic at the end of the season. People sit for reasons that you can't really account for. Is there a trick? Jordan, do you know? And why did you go so crazy this year with three teams when you don't normally do that? 

JR: Well, I'll start with the, the why first. And I've actually already forgotten the first question.

My long-time league, The 12 Tribes, this is from all of my friends growing up from Jewish school. So that's the reason for the name. That one I've been in on and off consistently. That's just kind of like my league. I was already going to be in that one. And then. I don't know which of the other two happened first, but they were both around the same time. When you reached out to me, I was like, yes, I'm going to do it, because someone asks you to do something, if you can do it, you do it. And then you see what happens, right? Bigger point than fantasy to take our conversation to a higher level.

Talking about a higher level, the other league was from my longtime high school friends, where sadly over the summer, one of my best friends, Rob Rapsky, passed away and that left an opening in that league, which I wasn't in.

So now me and another friend of mine, Jake, we took over his team, the Ketamine Girls, which I know you like the name of. That's my third team, second or third team, however you want to put it. That's the short of how.  

DA: Did you leave the 12 Tribes League?

JR: I didn't so much leave it as just I haven't been in it every year. It's sort of a loosely rotating cast of core characters that have mostly been there. A long time ago I won it when I had Brady and Moss when they were together. That year, that was the first time that I was in that league. And I remember winning it that year. Then they kind of had a lackluster follow up. I think I maybe only took third the following year. And I took off for a while. I've not been a consistent fantasy player throughout my whole life.

DA: I introduced my son to fantasy baseball when he was a 12 year old, I put him in the league with all the college newspaper guys that are my friends. He came in last, but today, he uses analytics in politics, to run campaigns. I think it's done a lot of good for him.

Do you feel like there's good that comes from this, or is this just kind of high-level masturbation? Is it good for you to be doing this? Or should you just be putting your money in a slot machine?

LA: I'm not ever expecting a payout from, from my 20 chip on the fantasy football. I don't know that it's added to my tools that I might use normally, but I think, it just gets me more interested in football and that's just better for America, right? 

DA: I couldn't have said it better. What do you think about that?

JR: I think the masturbation analogy is right on the money because, something you'll get hopped up to do, and then it kind of happens and then you're like, Well, here I am, not a whole lot to show for it necessarily.

DA: Did I ask you the question of how do you win at the end? Is there a trick to winning at the end? 

LA: I feel like you’re just looking for some help. Yeah, you're looking for advice. This is a personal question.

DA: I will say that this is the first year that I've constantly shored up. I didn't try to coast into the playoffs. And I think that you have to be looking at the waiver wire as much in the last weeks as you are the first weeks. You got these people who pop out. There's a guy, a new Giants receiver who looks like a real thing. Do you know, do you know what I'm talking about, Jordan? Hyatt maybe?

JR: Yeah.

DA: Yeah. I picked him up. And I don't even know if I'm keeping him, but there are these people who emerged at the end that I just haven't had the vigilance to find in the past. And I think that's what you kind of have to do to win at the end. And, uh, there's no accounting for sitting, you know, people resting stars or tanking or things like that.

I just feel like the end is always so, uh, unpredictable.  The best team doesn't always win.

JR: And the injuries, too. In another league, I had Justin Jefferson. Didn't have him for most of the time. Might be a pickup coming into the playoffs that winds up helping. Jonathan Taylor randomly goes out at the worst time when it looks like he's ramping back up. He's kind of an interesting one going into this week. I have him in another league with the Ketamine Girls because he's coming off the injury, but he's kind of like a guy you have to play him if he's ready. So that one's kind of tough, but yeah, it's the pickups, but the answer is no. I'm tempted to say there is no secret or else there'd be a mechanical way to do it.

And I actually don't know the answer to this. Is there some sort of  high-level known high stakes fantasy league or something like that, where it’s sort of like poker, right? Whatever you’ll talk about: Is it skill or luck or whatever the combination. But it's the same people who are sitting at the table every year, right, at the World Series. So I wonder if it's that sort of thing, but I don't know if there is that same sort of World Series for fantasy that we'd be able to test out that idea. And, but maybe it's kind of like that. 

DA: It's not a football question, but Ketamine Girls, Bizarro, these are, these are all references to drugs, are they not? What is your deal with that? 

JR: The Ketamine Girls was the pre existing name of Rob's team and we didn't feel within our rights nor the inclination to change it out of respect. And it's a, it's a fun name too. Bizarro is just shameless self promotion of my book Bizarro, which makes a great holiday gift for anyone listening along the lines of shameless self promotion. So that's the overlap.

DA: Any parting words as we wrap this thing up? I, I'm a little scared of your team, learning that you've made all these adjustments and I haven't even been paying attention. I don't know what to do about that. The Dallas’s kicker though. I got that guy.

But any last parting shots?  

JR: Go Giants. Go Bizarro.  If they conflict, I don't know.  

LA: Well, as usual, you know, the smartest, most put-together person ends up on top in fantasy football. So, I guess I'll just be at the bottom.  

JR: I think, I think Lev with this soft approach has cemented his championship.

LA: With my starting Johnny Smith at tight end, that's gonna help. 

DA: Well, I'm gonna go out by saying the smartest person in the league, the person in first place is the person who knows that God is Dead. I don't know what to say about that.

JR: Not to put pressure on these playoffs, but this will also serve as a referendum of whether that is true or not.

DA: Yeah, so it's going to be on in primetime.​